sigh...i really do tend to want my cake and eat it too.

It's lonely here.  I don't quite know what to explain it as.  I think it's because none of the co-workers I'm around do I have any desire to hang out with.  The ones I'd like to get to know  don't work near me and I can't get to know them without S. around.  My shy-ness is overwhelmed by her huge need to be payed attention to.  I want friends.  It's so lonely here.  This is kinda why F getting a new job is so horrid.  It separates me more from the friends I do have.

He has a new job

He's moving back home

I don't know why this is throwing me off so much except that part of my life, my routine was coming to visit him.  It's going to be so much harder to see my friends because i won't be going to see him.  I don't think he gets that.  I don't know how to make him understand.

Also, that will be more of a final page closing on my time at PLTC.  That kinda worries me too.

Meh.  Blaurgh.  And more thoughts along that line.

Why do I find WoW to be such an attraction?

Has it replaced books in my reality avoidance?

Yes, that seems likely.

Is there anything I do that isn't to avoid reality?

When did I become so attached
to people? I always was...I never knew it.

My mother.
sick.
No one knows with what.

I want to know.
I want it fixed.

I cannot lose her.

This fear haunts

It sits in my chest
Fighting for space
Winning the war
Over all the other things I fear

She cannot die
I would be

lost

I am somewhere in the middle of being lost.

I am within reach of being whole, but I can no long stretch quite that far.
The blue of winter beckons while the bright of fall distracts.
Spring will save me, if i can find it.


I am lost, wondering, what now?
Where to?


what if i am not the star?